Water Jokes

With water being one of the key ingredients of our existence, one would expect that many jokes have been written about it. Here is a collection. Some of these are “wastewater” jokes, since I use them in my class that covers both water and wastewater. Most of these are found on multiple Internet sites and the original authors are hard to pin down; so I don’t claim to have written them all (and maybe I won’t claim the few that I have written!)

Ant Gender

(Submitted as a bonus question on an exam by Dillon Thompson)

How can you tell the gender of an ant?

If you throw it in water and it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s a buoyant.

Lassie

(Submitted as a bonus question on an exam by Matthew Burris)

My dog Lassie once spent an hour trying to explain to me that Timmy had fallen down a deep cylindrical hole full of water.

It’s okay. I knew she meant well.

Burning House

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

Physicist: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Mathematician: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.

Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?

Physicist: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
Mathematician: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

Cold Water

A guy was visiting his brother for lunch. He looked at his plate and asked his brother, “Are these plates clean?” The brother said, “They’re as clean as Cold Water can get them.” Later for dinner it was similar. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” “Like I said, clean as Cold Water can get them.” Later they were headed to town and went out the front door. The brother tripped over his dog lying in front of the door and said, “Get out of the way, Cold Water!”

H2O4

You all know the chemical formula for water, H2O. What is H2O2? Hydrogen peroxide, which is not very stable, but is highly reactive. What is H2O3? It doesn’t exist. The electronic structures around hydrogen and oxygen don’t allow this molecule to form and be stable. So what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, swimming, etc.

Bacterial Disputes

Where do bacteria go to resolve their disputes?

The settling chamber.

Ocean Greetings

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

Paint Thinners

Two men contracted to paint a small community church. Being very frugal (cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they realized they didn’t have enough paint to finish. They decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: “Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!”

Doctor’s Diagnosis

Man goes to doctor saying he feels terrible. Doctor prescribes several different kinds of pills and tells the man to take them immediately with lots of water.

Man says, “Dang, doc! What do I have?!”

Doc says, “You’re dehydrated.”

Three Holes

Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…

Cherry Tree

A man has three sons. One day he calls them together and says, “Boys. One of you knocked over the outhouse. I want you to tell me who did it. Jim, did you do it?” “No, Dad.” “Frank?” “No, Dad.” “Harry?” “No, Dad.” “OK boys. Let me tell you a story. When George Washington was a little boy he chopped down his dad’s cherry tree. When his dad asked him about it George said, ‘Father, I can not tell a lie. I chopped down your cherry tree.’ And his dad loved him and praised him for being honest and telling the truth. So boys, let me ask you again. Did you knock over the outhouse?” Harry stood up and said, “Dad, I can not tell a lie. I knocked down the outhouse.” The father grabbed the boy and began spanking him vigorously. Harry said, “But Dad, I thought you said George Washington’s dad praised his son for telling the truth; he didn’t beat him because of it!” “Yes, son, but George Washington’s dad wasn’t sitting in the cherry tree!”

Water Bottle Monster

water monster

Animal Waste Management

Far Side comic: Animal Waste Management. Bears release effluent in man's living room.
Far Side comic: Animal Waste Management. Bears release effluent in man’s living room.

 

Bring Me My Red Shirt

A treasure ship was on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze.

“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.

“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt.” The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!

“Captain, captain, what should we do?”

“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!

“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my
brown pants!”

(This is a wastewater joke, …sort of!)

Constipation Movie

Have you heard about the new Constipation movie?

It hasn’t come out yet.

Mathematician’s Constipation

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

Fishermen Family

A fisherman had two sons, Towards and Away. He told his wife that it was time for his sons to learn to be real fishermen, by going out for the big fish far off shore. A few days later the fisherman came home, wet, battered, and bruised. His sons were not with him. He told his wife,

“My dear, I’m so sad. Our son Towards was pulling in a nice fish when another fish came up and snatched it, gobbling up Towards at the same time!”

“Oh no!” The wife said. “That must have been one huge, terrible fish!”

“Yes!” Said the fisherman. “But you should have seen the one that got Away!”

Dental Chemistry Quiz

What do you call a single tooth in a glass of water?

A one molar solution.

Bedtime

A father just finished putting his son to bed when he heard the boy call out, “Dad! Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“No!” Replied the dad. “You already had your chance. You know I told you not to keep delaying bedtime by asking for things. Now go to sleep!”

A few minutes later the son called out again, “Dad, I’m really thirsty! Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“No! And if you keep asking I’m going to come in there and spank you!”

The son thought for a while and called out, “Dad, when you come in here to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

Soup and Potatoes

Why is pee soup better than mash potatoes?

Because anyone can mash potatoes.

Chemistry Bear

Why did the white, furry bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

Umbrella

Thirty people are sheltering under an umbrella. How many of them get wet?

None. Who said it was raining?

Measuring Pastries

Where can you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow. “Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high…”

Health

What do you call water that’s healthy for you?

Well water.

Miracles

A man was pulled over by a police officer who said, “Sir, you are weaving all over the road. Have you been drinking?”

The man said with a slurred voice, “Officer, I have only been drinking water.”

The officer asked for the bottle of water and smelled it.

“This isn’t water, it’s wine!”

The man looked at the police officer with astonishment and said, “The good Lord did it again!”

Laptop in the Ocean

What do you call it when a man throws his laptop into the ocean?

Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

Two Reasons

There are two reasons not to drink toilet water.

Number one. And number two.

TP Hill

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

Peeps Poop

Peeps Poop

 

Bathroom Stoner

A cop stops a stoner in a washroom in a club, searches him and finds a little Baggie of pot. The stoner says, “Look sir, it’s not my fault. Every time I try to flush it down the toilet it magically re-appears in my pocket.”

The cop laughs and says, “You really expect me to believe that?”

The stoner replies, “If you want I can show you.”

So the cop hands the weed back to him, and he flushes it down the toilet. The cop asks, “Okay, now where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“The drugs.”

“What drugs?”

Microscopy

Why did bacteria cross the microscope?

To get to other slide.

Bruce Lee

bad-joke1

 

Fish

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.

Beaver

What did the beaver say when she slipped in water?

Dam it.

Grocery Store

A man goes to a store and asks for dog food. The store clerk looks at him suspiciously and says, “We’ve had reports that people have been misusing dog food; giving it to their kids, and what-not. You’re going to have to prove you actually have a dog.”

The man comes back later and brings his dog. The clerk lets him buy the dog food.

Later on the man tries to buy cat food. Again he is told he has to prove he has a cat. He brings the cat in and the clerk sells him the cat food.

A few days later the man comes in with a paper bag and approaches the store clerk, “Feel what’s in this bag.”

The clerk does, then jumps back and looks at his hand. “This smell’s like crap!”

The man says, “It is. I need to buy some toilet paper.”

Rudolf

A man name Rudolf is a communist; some people just call him “The Red.” He’s sitting at breakfast with his wife one day and looking out the window says, “It looks like it’s raining out there.”

His wife responds, “No, it’s pretty cold out today. I think that’s snow.”

The man looks sternly at his wife and says, “Don’t contradict me. Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

Canoes

Two men rent a canoe and go fishing in a remote part of a lake. They are having an excellent day, catching a bunch of fish. One man says, “Man, we need to mark this spot. We’re tearing ’em up!”

The other man takes out his pocket knife and starts carving a big X in the bottom of the canoe.

“What are you doing?” asks the first man.

“I’m marking our spot, like you said!”

“You idiot! How do you know we’ll get the same canoe next time?!”

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