Water Jokes

With water being one of the key ingredients of our existence, one would expect that many jokes have been written about it. Here is a collection. Some of these are “wastewater” jokes, since I use them in my class that covers both water and wastewater. Most of these are found on multiple Internet sites and the original authors are hard to pin down; so I don’t claim to have written them all (and maybe I won’t claim the few that I have written!)

Cold Water

A guy was visiting his brother for lunch. He looked at his plate and asked his brother, “Are these plates clean?” The brother said, “They’re as clean as Cold Water can get them.” Later for dinner it was similar. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” “Like I said, clean as Cold Water can get them.” Later they were headed to town and went out the front door. The brother tripped over his dog lying in front of the door and said, “Get out of the way, Cold Water!”


You all know the chemical formula for water, H2O. What is H2O2? Hydrogen peroxide, which is not very stable, but is highly reactive. What is H2O3? It doesn’t exist. The electronic structures around hydrogen and oxygen don’t allow this molecule to form and be stable. So what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, swimming, etc.

Bacterial Disputes

Where do bacteria go to resolve their disputes?

The settling chamber.

Ocean Greetings

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

Paint Thinners

Two men contracted to paint a small community church. Being very frugal (cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they realized they didn’t have enough paint to finish. They decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: “Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!”

Doctor’s Diagnosis

Man goes to doctor saying he feels terrible. Doctor prescribes several different kinds of pills and tells the man to take them immediately with lots of water.

Man says, “Dang, doc! What do I have?!”

Doc says, “You’re dehydrated.”

Three Holes

Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…

Cherry Tree

A man has three sons. One day he calls them together and says, “Boys. One of you knocked over the outhouse. I want you to tell me who did it. Jim, did you do it?” “No, Dad.” “Frank?” “No, Dad.” “Harry?” “No, Dad.” “OK boys. Let me tell you a story. When George Washington was a little boy he chopped down his dad’s cherry tree. When his dad asked him about it George said, ‘Father, I can not tell a lie. I chopped down your cherry tree.’ And his dad loved him and praised him for being honest and telling the truth. So boys, let me ask you again. Did you knock over the outhouse?” Harry stood up and said, “Dad, I can not tell a lie. I knocked down the outhouse.” The father grabbed the boy and began spanking him vigorously. Harry said, “But Dad, I thought you said George Washington’s dad praised his son for telling the truth; he didn’t beat him because of it!” “Yes, son, but George Washington’s dad wasn’t sitting in the cherry tree!”

Water Bottle Monster

water monster

Animal Waste Management

Far Side comic: Animal Waste Management. Bears release effluent in man's living room.
Far Side comic: Animal Waste Management. Bears release effluent in man’s living room.


Bring Me My Red Shirt

A treasure ship was on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze.

“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.

“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt.” The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!

“Captain, captain, what should we do?”

“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!

“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my
brown pants!”

(This is a wastewater joke, …sort of!)

Constipation Movie

Have you heard about the new Constipation movie?

It hasn’t come out yet.

Mathematician’s Constipation

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

Fishermen Family

A fisherman had two sons, Towards and Away. He told his wife that it was time for his sons to learn to be real fishermen, by going out for the big fish far off shore. A few days later the fisherman came home, wet, battered, and bruised. His sons were not with him. He told his wife,

“My dear, I’m so sad. Our son Towards was pulling in a nice fish when another fish came up and snatched it, gobbling up Towards at the same time!”

“Oh no!” The wife said. “That must have been one huge, terrible fish!”

“Yes!” Said the fisherman. “But you should have seen the one that got Away!”

Dental Chemistry Quiz

What do you call a single tooth in a glass of water?

A one molar solution.


A father just finished putting his son to bed when he heard the boy call out, “Dad! Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“No!” Replied the dad. “You already had your chance. You know I told you not to keep delaying bedtime by asking for things. Now go to sleep!”

A few minutes later the son called out again, “Dad, I’m really thirsty! Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“No! And if you keep asking I’m going to come in there and spank you!”

The son thought for a while and called out, “Dad, when you come in here to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

Soup and Potatoes

Why is pee soup better than mash potatoes?

Because anyone can mash potatoes.

Chemistry Bear

Why did the white, furry bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.


Thirty people are sheltering under an umbrella. How many of them get wet?

None. Who said it was raining?

Measuring Pastries

Where can you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow. “Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high…”


What do you call water that’s healthy for you?

Well water.


A man was pulled over by a police officer who said, “Sir, you are weaving all over the road. Have you been drinking?”

The man said with a slurred voice, “Officer, I have only been drinking water.”

The officer asked for the bottle of water and smelled it.

“This isn’t water, it’s wine!”

The man looked at the police officer with astonishment and said, “The good Lord did it again!”

Laptop in the Ocean

What do you call it when a man throws his laptop into the ocean?

Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

Two Reasons

There are two reasons not to drink toilet water.

Number one. And number two.

TP Hill

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

Peeps Poop

Peeps Poop


Bathroom Stoner

A cop stops a stoner in a washroom in a club, searches him and finds a little Baggie of pot. The stoner says, “Look sir, it’s not my fault. Every time I try to flush it down the toilet it magically re-appears in my pocket.”

The cop laughs and says, “You really expect me to believe that?”

The stoner replies, “If you want I can show you.”

So the cop hands the weed back to him, and he flushes it down the toilet. The cop asks, “Okay, now where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“The drugs.”

“What drugs?”


Why did bacteria cross the microscope?

To get to other slide.

Bruce Lee




What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?



What did the beaver say when she slipped in water?

Dam it.

A few more jokes that I need to write out. This is just a reminder for me to do that:
joke: grocery store, dog food, cat food, toilet paper
Joke: Rudolph the red knows rain dear.


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